Not that I really have anything in particular to write. It's just that, well, I'm here. And, apparently, so are you, so why not?
Life happens like this with me. Seize the moment. With both fists.
When I was a brand new mama, my mother-in-law told me to sleep while the baby sleeps. I now know that it's just as important to think while the baby sleeps. Think, read, discuss, and digest. So here I am, it's now one minute after four in the morning, and I'm thinking.
I suppose the silence of the moment is almost suppressing my thoughts. It's too amazing that I'm here, in front of my keyboard, and in this quiet hour, my mind is my own. I hardly know what to think about. Which thing do I choose?
Maybe this is just me, but during the day, topics on which to write fly around my head. I can't always reach up into the space above me and grab them, capture them, get them onto the glowing screen before they escape. So sometimes, I have to be nagged over and over by a key topic in order to force it onto the page.
Today, my key topic, the theme that haunted me--and has been haunting me for a long while--was cancellation. My schedule has been so packed to the gills that everything is almost perfectly synchronized. Any little tilt in the galaxy sets the whole thing out of whack, sends my plans spiraling into the black holes of my brain. When I've arranged my day around a plan, and someone doesn't show up or cancels on me, I can't seem to recover. I've had this happen often lately. My husband forgets our plans and doesn't show up or shows up late. My friend misunderstands our plans and I spend the day wondering what's happening. My father changes his mind without notifying me and I find myself scrambling to come up with a new plan. I'm really looking forward to getting together with a friend, and she's not able to come due to child behavior issues (note to friend: I still like you a lot, but your daughter needs to know that her actions affect other people). These things leave me in a lurch (which, in this case, means NOUN: 1. A staggering or tottering movement or gait. 2. An abrupt rolling or pitching).
Today, I reluctantly shooed a group of homeschooling families/art students out of my house, some of whom hadn't arrived on time for our appointed lunch before art class but wanted to stay late to visit. I wanted to visit, too. But I had a commitment to keep. I had to make a run to pick up an Amish neighbor who needed a ride; a promise I'd made several days ago and had confirmed this morning, and my eldest daughter had a commitment to keep to go clean house for someone (who cancelled with a phone call from somewhere other than home after my daughter had already cleaned her house). After emptying my dwelling of my much-wanted guests, hurrying myself into the car in order to be on time and not make my neighbor wait, and driving halfway across the county to get her, I got a call on my cell phone. Don't bother, my daughter told me. The neighbor called, and she's already home. Seems some friends decided to pick her up early and take her to lunch. I was not just frustrated by this change of plans. In my gut, I was also jealous that her friends thought of her, went to her, whisked her away for lunch. Added insult to injury.
But I've been injured before, and I'm sure you have, too. Lack of commitment seems like an epidemic in this country. People can't keep appointments, can't get to work on time, can't return phone calls, can't finish their twelve-step program, can't raise their own kids, can't go through with a pregnancy, can't stay married. And there's a whole philosophy behind it. "I have to do what's best for ME." Sometimes even I forget that the Lord calls us to a higher commitment. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. Humble yourself. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Yet, ironically, the biggest struggle I have with this issue is, what else, how it affects ME. While I always try to keep in mind how my actions affect others, I have needs, too. I need a close friend who keeps commitments, who makes the same amount of effort to be my friend as I would for them. Yeah, I know I'm human, too, but I guess I'm just a tad more than frustrated that I put so much effort into not disappointing people to be perpetually disappointed. Why does it matter to me? Why should I care? Why can't I just bounce back from these little inconveniences in life? Que sera, sera! Life is what happens while you're recovering from cancellations!
I'll tell you why. Because cancelled commitments feel like personal insults, targeted apathy, careless rejection. And, yes, I really am that sensitive. Hey, with my history--a birth mother who gave me up for adoption and an adoptive mother who emotionally abandoned me years before she left my father--who wouldn't be? Someone stronger than I, that's for sure.
I shudder to think how many times I've hurt others, abandoned them, left them disappointed or feeling rejected. Oh, that I could know now. That I could apologize. That I could tell those I've hurt and disappointed that I know now how it feels.
But I can only go on from here. And so I do my best to keep commitments, to value the time of others. I think carefully about my time and my other commitments before I say, "Yes. I will do that." I write things down (though I still misplace papers from time to time. That's why I love my computer. I haven't lost it yet!) And because of how strongly I feel about being abandoned, disappointed, rejected, I'm training my kids to keep their promises. I have repeatedly reminded my kids that keeping a commitment is a serious thing. Being on time for something shows the other person that you don't feel that your time is more important than theirs, your issues bigger than theirs, your life more valuable than theirs. Do things come up? Well, of course. But when they do, canceling your commitment can be the exception rather than the rule.
On days like today, I feel tempted to back out of everything, to throw it all to the wind and say, "Forget it. If I'm not worth keeping a commitment for, I'm not doing this anymore."
I have to remember that, while there is life all about me, this life isn't all about me, if you know what I mean.
"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.I've made a commitment to my Most High God. He has blessed me, literally, with a house on the hill, given me a vision, put in me a heart that longs to share with others. I want to paint the whole world with God-colors, keep an open house, be generous with me life. That is what God has called me to do. That's what I'll continue to pursue with my whole heart.
Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand--shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:13-16, The Message
So, the next time you're tempted to blow someone off, please consider this: there's a human being on the other end of that commitment who was really looking forward to being with you, to gaining something from you, to sharing something with you, to learning from you, maybe even to serving God through their service to you. There's a heart on the other end that has risked being broken. Take a good look at your reasons for canceling your commitment, and see if you can't lay down your life just this once.
For a friend.
"Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless--that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing."
I Peter 3:8-9, The Message
