There are times when I need to just shut my mouth.
During these times, I think it's best to stare out the window silently and feel sorry for myself. The greatest satisfaction comes when I think of something so terribly sad that my eyes cloud up and mist over and all of the sadness spills out, and when I squeeze my eyelids together, it runs down my nose and tickles the outside of my nostril until I have to push it away with my sleeve or the tip of my finger.
There are times when I need to just speak my mind.
During these times, I know it's best to pause until the right words pop into my brain which cooperates with my mouth to bring forth the intended meaning. As the sentiments spill out, I know when they're hitting the mark, just like a basketball player who knows that the ball is headed for nothing but net the moment it leaves his fingertips. It just feels right.
What I should have learned by now, as an adult, as a human being, as an intelligent woman, is which times are which.
When I stare and the sadness spills and the nostril tickles, I feel childish and self-pitying.
When I speak and the words hit and they're nothing but net, I feel hubrish (it's not a word...yet) and bossy.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there is no right time for either. Maybe this is a causal oversimplification. There are likely many reasons why I feel childish, hubrish, self-pitying, bossy.
Either way, I feel like I should apologize.
So I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying nothing, and I'm sorry for saying everything.
I hope that covers it.
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