::: a letter to my angry son :::

Dear Son,

I'm not sure whose fault it is that we keep having these stupid arguments. I'm not sure it matters who's at fault. All I know is that I don't like it, and being upset with you, or you being upset with me, completely rips my heart out.

The truth is that I'm just as confused about this whole school thing as you are. Most of what you're doing on a daily basis goes completely against my educational philosophies, my hopes and aspirations for you as a person, as a whole person.  But those are ideals, and who's to say they're worth anything? Some days I believe in them. Some days I feel like a failure.

Someone told me recently that anger is a manifestation of fear. When I remember that, I remember that I think it's true. I get angry with you because I'm afraid I'm failing you, or I'm afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing, or I'm afraid I'm making bad choices. When faced with the decision to help you with your homework or make you do it on your own, I become paralyzed. All of these thoughts go screaming through my brain; If I help him, is that doing him a disservice? How am I supposed to know what his teacher wants? What does it mean when he says he doesn't understand? Why am I teaching these concepts at home--isn't that what's he spends the whole day in school for? Does any of this really matter? I mean, really. When is he going to have to know what happened to the Donner Party? How will that apply to his life, unless he becomes a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

But then I think about the struggles we were having here at home, how I was putting so much energy into getting you to do your lessons that I wasn't giving enough attention to the girls and their lessons. So much of the problem stemmed from your stubbornness, your unwillingness to simply do the work set in front of you and your insistence of doing whatever you could to get out of the work instead of just doing the work. Why? Why do you do that? Wouldn't it be better, more peaceful, if you would just trust that the people who are teaching you love you and want you to succeed? Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you were using your energy to do your best work instead of using that energy to get out of work?

I guess you come by that honestly, though. I often feel so overwhelmed that I don't want to even try to complete a task, no matter how necessary it is. So I understand. And then, after I lose my patience with you, I think about that, and I think, "Man, I could have handled that a little better." But I also think, "Man, he could have handled that better." It's a two-way street, see? And I'm not a child psychologist or an educational expert. I'm just a mom. I'm a confused, frustrated, heartbroken mom, and I'm just trying to get through this thing, too, with the minimal amount of damage to either of us.

Because I just want to save the relationship. I don't want you to remember your teens years as the years your mom hated you (because I don't) or that you hated your mom (because I hope you don't), and I don't like this stress. If I could do it and would know that it was okay, I'd pull you out of school and let you stay home and create roblox universes all day long. If God would wake me up in the middle of the night and say, "Yeah. That. Go ahead and do that. It will all work out just fine. Trust me. I have a plan for that boy." It would just be nice, God, if you would clue me in on that plan so I could help out a little bit. Right now, I feel like a loser of a mom, and you're not really helping so much, you know?

It certainly doesn't help that you're getting a nice amount of exposure to the F word from your classmates during the school day, or that a good portion of your classes are spent dealing with difficult kids who bring cell phones to school and mouth off to teachers. But did I really expect any differently, just because you're going to a Christian school? Well, yeah. Actually, I did. I expected a higher standard of behavior from the students, and I guess I expected an educational philosophy that's much more like mine.

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood. Maybe I need to back off for a little while. What I want right now is just to go hug you and do your homework for you and make everything better again. But that won't make things better.

I'm afraid, when it comes down to it, that you have a few lessons to learn about responsibility and perseverance and paying attention and taking pride in your work. You can only get to those by getting through what you're going through now. I can't hand them to you. You have to go get them yourself.

I'll be here when you've decided to move forward.

I love you,

Mom

::: admonition (ad-mə-ˈni-shən) noun: gentle or friendly reproof :::

"Does it strike anyone else that much of christian parenting wisdom conforms to the kingdom of the sword rather than the kingdom of the cross?"

~Tonia at Study in Brown

I know you're all going to think I'm nuts, and that's okay, because I think I'm nuts, too. But I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

I think God is doing something amazing in the hearts of his people.

I really mean this. I do believe that the world is about to turn, and I'm one of the lucky human beings to be ON it when this happens.

Because, see, for years I've had a really hard time talking to other Christians about parenting, because what the experts in the field of Christian parenting advice seem to be bent on putting out the message that love must be tough, that training up a child has to involve physical force, that all of those things Jesus said about love and forgiveness and mercy and grace? That wasn't meant for children, just for strangers, neighbors (even if you don't like them) and enemies.

So when I started feeling very convicted about the idea of punishing my children with a belt, rod, switch or hand, I tentatively began talking to other people, both believers and non-believers about my thoughts, and when I discussed this with believers, you would have thought that I was considering giving up my faith to follow Marilyn Manson or drink cyanide laced Flavor-Aid.

There were, however, a couple of people who talked with me about my questions in a rational, conversational tone. There was no anger or fear in their voices.

When I brought up the oft-repeated argument that we are to use the "rod" on our children, she gently reminded me that the rod was used for sheep, was used by the shepherd to guide the sheep.

"If the shepherd hit the sheep with the rod, what do you think the sheep would do the next time they saw the shepherd coming with that rod?"
"They'd run from it," I answered.
"And that would be terrible for the shepherd, right? Because, you know, how can you guide someone with something that scares the tar out of them?"

And this made sense to me.

It's funny how people take that one tiny verse in the Bible, that one little place in Proverbs, and they hold on to that as a mantra. Why not hold onto the verse before it that says, "Much food is in the tilled land of the poor, but there are those who are destroyed because of injustice," and fight for that cause? Or obsess about the one that says, 'Throughout the generations to come you are to make tassels on the corners of your garments, with a blue cord on each tassel?" Why not commit yourself to that verse?

Or why not hold onto the one in Colossians (3:21) that says, "Do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]"

Or the one in Ephesians (6:4) that says, "Do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord."

It's the same thing Jesus did with so many of the other laws we were bound to Before Christ. It's like all of the teachings that Jesus took and turned upside-down. While others were teaching the ethic of reciprocity with words like, "Do not to your neighbor what you would take ill from him," Jesus was taking it a step further by saying, "Whatever you desire that others would do to and for you, even so do also to and for them, for this is (sums up) the Law and the Prophets [emphasis mine]." Don't just avoid doing what you wouldn't want done to you. Think about what you would want and do it. Because, in a nutshell, that's what the spirit of the Law and Prophets was really getting at.

So, we have this line in Proverbs that says, "A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them," which is not at all untrue, but after we're reunited with God through Jesus, we get, "Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master." In other words, let's get to the heart of the problem before there is a problem. Let's be proactive instead of reactive. Let's use our hands to hold theirs, to lead them gently in the right direction.

Because, honestly? That's what I need the most work on. I know how to be reactive. I know how to lose my patience. I know how to anger and exasperate my children pretty well. I'd like to say that rearing them tenderly is what comes naturally to me, and I think, at the center of it all, it does, but then fear and selfishness creep in, and I find myself forcing my will, filling with pride, demanding my way. I think this kind of parenting, the kind I stumbled into motherhood being taught by well-meaning Christians, has done great damage to me, and to my relationship with my children. Particularly with my sons, who need to not feel inferior and frustrated. Because when they feel exasperated? Lord knows we both feel exasperated.

It's a good thing that people are beginning to see and teach another way. Women like Tonia are beginning to question and speak, are realizing that we like the quick, simple idea of punishment because we are not patient. Men like Shane Claiborne and Greg Boyd are bringing another way to the forefront of discussion, a way of service and peace on a more global level, not just with our children, but with all human beings, a way of doing the things that Jesus truly taught, that paradoxical, upside-down way that the world finds foolish but that leads to the spread of the Kingdom. Writings by John Howard Yoder are leaking into the mainstream. And people are resonating with it.

I'm learning more about servanthood than I've ever cared to learn by bumping into these folks as I wander around this thing called "life."

And I'm finding that a lot of other people are learning about it, too, talking about it, and putting it into practice. People are really beginning to actually read and apply what Jesus taught. There are more people beginning to reject the world's way and enter into a more narrow way.

And I think that's the amazing thing that God is doing in the hearts of his people.