Stream of Consciousness Whilst Awaiting Awakeness

The house is quiet except for the whir of the hard drive.

This is hard to do sometimes, write stream of consciousness.

Everyone else in the house is sleeping.

I'm a bit bothered by a few things.

I'll get over them eventually.

Most of it is about vanity, pride and money.

Our family gathering is in four days.

I'm not sure I want to do it anymore.

I feel inadequate.

I feel like I live in a fishbowl, even out here in the middle of Amish Country.

I wonder if I should have more children.

I feel like I should have more children.

I feel like I want more children.

But sometimes, the children drive me mad.

In my heart, I know, that most of the madness is due to my own selfishness and impatience.

I want my house to be clean.

I want to spend time writing.

I want to receive accolades.

I want to have good, obedient, intelligent children.

What does that mean?

I also want to have bright, analytical, questionning children, children with personalities.

I haven't been sleeping as much as I should.

I don't know what to try to accomplish today.

How long will everyone sleep?

What should I be doing while they're sleeping?

I already fed all of my birds...

Actually, today should be a fairly good day. It's Saturday, Bohemian's home, we have an extra helper in the house (Kat, Bard's friend) who will help Bard clean the cabin, yesterday was payday (even though most of it's gone already), the kitchen cabinets are done, and my female Budgie acutally looks like she's getting better.

What else should I be doing?

I want to go read some other blogs. I have enjoyed reading other people's blog links. I read one this morning by Valerie called Barefoot and Pregnant. Her posts about being "done" and about "habits" made me think.

I need to learn to sew.

Bard has been knitting. She finished a scarf and is working on a second.

I should be knitting my Christmas gifts.

I have so much I want to do.

So why am I sitting here?