Me to Monet: Please don't hit anyone else with a mallet.
*****
Bard: Maybe Dad should just be Superman for the costume party. He could wear pants with the underwear on the outside. He could wear a pink towel and cowboy boots, like Monet used to and everyone thought he looked cute.
Monet: Did I really do that?
Bard: Yeah...well...you didn't wear underwear on the outside...well...you never wear underwear.
Monet: Yes, I do!
Bard: Are you wearing any right now?
Monet: I only wear them on special occasions.
*****
Bard to me while I was feeding Wilma the One-Eyed Chameleon: Do chameleons get their tongues stuck together because they're too sticky?
Me: No. Their tongues aren't actually sticky. They're barbed.
Bard: I wish I had a barbed tongue.
*****
Me: Children, don't eat glass.
Monet: Not even if you're a rockbiter?
Me: Not even if you're a rockbiter.
Bard: Rockbiters don't eat glass. They eat rocks. Hence the name...Rockbiter.
*****
Monet: Is there some kind of contest when you die to tell whether you can get into heaven or not?
Me: No, it's not like that. It's like...
Houdin (interupting): Welcome to This Was Your Life. And now, here is your host...Jesus Christ!
*****
Bard: Do you want to be clubbed in the head with a horse?
Sweetheart: Not really.
*****
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