My Biggest Problem

I picked Joe and Edna up at the end of their drive at 8:35 this morning. They were ready for me, waiting in the snow, though I was supposed to arrive at 8:45. If it were anyone else, I might be bothered. "I said I'd pick you up at 8:45!" I'd say, defensively. I'd make a fool of myself so that they wouldn't think me a fool.

But Joe and Edna don't wait at the end of the drive ten minutes early to make me feel badly. They're not there waiting to prove to me that they are better or more prepared than I am. They're waiting at the end of the lane, in the snow. on the ice, because they're kind and considerate. They don't want me to have to wait for them.

Edna is one of the sweetest souls on the face of this earth. Even as an elderly Amish woman, she has the face and the smile of a schoolgirl. When she likes what you say, she has this gleem in her eye that shows just how ornery she can be. But it's always ornery in a good way, never in a malicious way. Not that I've seen.

This morning, I'm driving Joe and Edna to an appointment where I'll drop them off and then I'll head for home again. They have another way home later today, after their appointment.

I'm a bit disappointed, because I like to listen to what they have to say. I enjoy Joe's stories about the community, about his family, about this Amish neighborhood into which I only recently moved. And I enjoy Edna's girl-like laughter and her womanly wisdom.

Today, Joe talks about how things used to be. The Amish don't farm so much anymore, he says. He tells me this because we're passing a young man standing on a cart pulled by two draft horses.

"He moved to his wife's daddy's house," he tells me. "That's the only way an Amishman can farm now, if he moves to the homestead."

"Is that because land prices are so high?" I ask.

"Well, yeah," Joe says, "and because they can make more working away. Or making furniture." I nod. There are many, many Amish furniture makers in the area, and they're selling as much furniture to the English, as they call us, as they can produce. It's not uncommon to purchase a piece of furniture and be placed on a waiting list. And that's with a furniture maker on just about every corner, and several in every small town.

We pass the sewing machine shop and Edna says she wishes she would have brought her machine. She hasn't had it tuned up since she bought it.

"When did you learn to sew?" I ask.

"Oh," she claps her hands together thoughtfully. "I guess I was about thirteen or fourteen. Why do you ask?" I wonder if she's suspicious of me, if she thinks I'm writing a book. I tell her I'm just curious, that I've been thinking about things lately, about how little I feel I was prepared for adulthood. I share with her some of the comments people have made about the Duggar family, what a shame people think it is that the young Duggar girls have to make meals for their siblings and parents.

"Oh!" she exclaims, now slapping her knees with her hands. "Why! Those chiltren are better prepared for life than most! It's GOOD for them to take care of others!"

"When you were young," I venture, "did you ever feel you were missing out because you had to care for the people in your family and your community."

She pauses to think about this. "No. No, I never did."

Here's the thing: I've never heard Edna complain about a thing. She doesn't complain about doing chores, about working in her garden, about making meals, about walking in the cold on the ice, about taking the horse and buggy to market, about caring for her grandchildren, about making lunch for her husband, or about giving to her neighbors when they're in need.

A friend of mine sent me an e-mail, and while I won't mention her name, I hope she won't mind if I quote from it (edited for clarity):

Care for family and home take so very much of us ourselves. You commented about the young Amish girl in your post. She willingly helps her sister and she is content. She isn’t saying, "Hey this isn’t fair! Why can’t my sister care for her own kids – she had them! All my friends get to go shopping at the mall. Why can’t I just enjoy being a kid?" Amish live with a focus on community not individual wants and needs. From infancy, they are ingrained with attitudes of self sacrifice and participation for the sake of family and community. Adults that say they were caught by surprise are often those from whom little was asked growing up. I don’t think they suffer from lack of home economics knowledge. My guess would be what they lacked was guidance in the attitude of desiring to meet the needs of others (particularly at the expense of ones self). Children need to be involved in maintaining the home because they are part of a family and all
share in the health of the home (and mother and father). Attitudes of complaint and selfishness should be the larger concern.

My friend hit the nail right on the head. Yes, my bigger problem is not the ability to clean my home, because I CAN clean it, and I can clean it better than anyone else who lives here. My bigger problem is, indeed, attitude.

And I'd venture to say that it's the predominant problem in our home.

My husband has a bad attitude.
My kids have bad attitudes.
My live-in father has a bad attitude.
And, yes, ::gasp!:: I have a bad attitude.

I'm forever saying, "I didn't make this mess. Why am I cleaning while they're watching a movie/reading a book/using the computer?" I hear the same complaints from my children.

Today I decided to do one of the things on my 101 list--ask for someone's advice and take it.

From sparrow:

"This, from Elizabeth Elliot helps me: "Just do the next thing." Just do the thing in front of you to do, and don't worry about the rest."

And from Mrs. Dunwoody's Excellent Instructions for Homekeeping via Miss Booshay:

"Mrs. Dunwoody's Notes for Planning a Superior Day

1. Make a plan for your day.
Start each day by making a general schedule, with particular emphasis on two or three major things you would like to accomplish.
2. Concentrate
Concentration is a key aspect of effective use of time.
(I would imagine this means work when the small children are asleep)
3. Learn to rest and catch your breath.
Never hard for me to do.
4. Don't procrastinate.
Start off the day by doing the most unpleasant chore first.
5. Sift and sort.
You must sort through the day and categorize.
6. Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Excellence is attainable, gratifying, and healthy.
Perfection is impossible, frustrating, and neurotic.
7. Never lose sight of the "big picture."
People (especially children) are always more important than things.

I decided to start with the biggest thing that was bothering me: my bedroom. Laundry, vacuuming, making the bed, cleaning the tub. These are all things that were bothering me and weighing heavy on my mind. So I jumped right into it, and as soon as I started, I felt better.

I still feel better.

I know that I have a bad attitude, and I know it's my biggest problem. I don't know how to fix it. I can only offer it, as I have many, many times, up to the Lord.

Dear God--please, please heal me of my selfish attitude. You know how much I long to serve others through hospitality, and this attitude in my household is completely killing that longing. I pray for your wisdom and your gifts.

Amen.