Japanese Mushroom Lip-Concealing Hydrating Cellulite Mousse

Apparently, I have reached the age of desperation. I have begun believing that health and beauty products are actually going to miraculously eliminate the physical landmarks of the aging process.

I know this, because I have been spending increasing amounts of time investigating the aisle in my local Stuf*Mart which attempts to pass for the cosmetic equivalent of the fountain of youth. In that aisle, there exists a plethora of promises that, up until recently, I scoffed at in my naivete. But, as I approach forty, I've begun to toy with the idea that these products, goos and ointments and creams that promise me everything from a sexier back to the impeccable eyebrow shape, might actually improve my aging appearance.

There's no shortage of anti-aging products available for those of us seeking eternal beauty. If I were to plop down a few million dollars for all of the products that are revealed when I do a Google search for "age reducing cosmetics," I could be the world's most perfect woman. How could I pass up great stuff like:

A Lip-Inflation Lip Plumper, for that freshly-plumped lip feeling;
A mini On-the-Go Smile Refresher, when my smile is experiencing that not-so-fresh feeling;
A new head-shaving gel for the male grooming market, or for those looking for that Sinead O'Connor or Captain Jean-Luc style;
An Air Repair kit, to pamper my skin during air travel or reinflate my deflated lips;
Japanese Mushroom Cosmetics to lighten my skin and cause terrible hallucinations;
Anti-aging lip contour corrector pens, just in case the Lip Plumper doesn't get it for me;
Solutions for Aging Legs, as if that's the only part of you that's getting old. The rest of your aging body will have to come up with its own solutions; and
Lip gloss that will help me lose weight and curb my smoking (thought I don't smoke), simultaneously.

I haven't always been interested in anti-aging cosmetics. Really, this all started when I burned the living daylights out of the back of my hand. That kind of thing tends to happen when one places one's hand against the wall of a 450 degree oven. I had believed I was wearing an oven mitt, when, in reality, I was merely holding a tiny square of a highly inadequate hot pad. Instead of age-defying cosmetics, I suppose what I actually need is some type of mental assistance program that will keep me from further harming myself.

But, the damage having been done, I ended up with a nasty spot of singed skin which would very definitely turn into a terrible scar, so I decided to be proactive (though I guess being proactive would have been to be sure about the oven-mitt thing) and pamper my healing hand.

So I took a trip to the Stuf*Mart and strolled along the skin cream aisle. Said aisle generally baffles me, because I can't imagine what could possibly be so different about skin creams that would warrant such a huge selection. And every single one of them seems to be the very best choice for rough, dry, problem skin. But there, nestled among the skin softening stuff, was the section I had come to find--the scar-healing section. Unfortunately, the only scar-healing cream I saw cost over $20, so I decided to look for alternatives and made a mental note that oven mitts are cheaper.

That's when I remembered that my holistic practitioner had once suggested a stretch-mark cream for my youngest daughter when she had developed a beastly inexplicable open wound on her hip which turned into an equally beastly scar.

Stretch-Mark Cream, eh? I thought, mentally envisioning the lovely silver-white stripes that refuse to tan which make it impossible to wear a bathing suit without feeling like my child has decorated me with a gel pen. Well, that would certainly be a useful product.

As I was lifting the Stretch-Mark Cream into my cart, I noticed that the Stretch-Mark Cream company was promoting a new product--Firming Butter. Now, I've always been quite fond of butter, which would explain the stretch marks, so I decided to further investigate:

This Firming Butter was especially created to return your floppy skin to its former firm, youthful perkiness anytime, even after weight loss or pregnancy, firming and toning your skin, providing added elasticity and firmness to all firmless skin, always and without fail.

That sounded like exactly what I needed to save my skin and improve all of my relationships, but I thought, "Wait. There must be more..."

There's something about shopping for a new goody that draws me to read the labels of every similar product and comparison shop with obsessive curiosity, like a rubber-necker who must see the graphic details of a terrible train wreck. I always think that maybe, somehow, there's a magical serum that's just been developed and made available to us non-Hollywood types which will effectively enhance my life AND be undeniably affordable.

Fortunately for me, I hit the jackpot this time. I found a box which, believe it or not, contained not only the moisturizing, elasticity-improving, non-greasy, lubricating Stretch Mark Cream, but a FREE 2.6379 fluid ounce bottle of toning, restoring, tightening Firming Butter. FREE!

I promptly bought the package with such excitement that I completely forgot about shopping for a new oven mitt.

I use my Firming Butter (FB) and Stretch Mark Cream (SMC) several times a day. The secret to remembering is that I keep both tubes of my miracle products on my bathroom countertop, next to my toilet. That way, I will never, ever, ever forget to use it, because when I am sitting there on my throne, I have a bird's eye view of almost every stretch mark I've ever acquired.

Almost every stretch mark.

Because, see, that's one of the downsides (no pun intended) of acquiring a product like SMC. I have suddenly found more uses for the stuff than I ever knew I had. Before the SMC and FB, I only had a few stretch marks here and there. Now, I realize that my 6.935741 fluid ounce tube of SMC will never cover all of the ground I have for it to cover. The acquisition of SMC has revealed to me all of the places on my body that have lost their elasticity and have tried desperately to stretch beyond their limits. My only consolation is that stretch marks are visible AFTER the weight has been lost. So, as far as I can figure it, I've gained and lost weight in places I didn't even know could gain and lose weight. That has to be a good thing, right?

Still, I apply my SMC and FB faithfully and liberally every day, even though, based on the labels, there really isn't any difference between the two, other than their thicknesses, which constitutes calling one of them "cream" and the other "butter." I wonder--if I whipped the cream in my food processor, could I use it in place of the butter? And which do I put on first, the SMC, or the FB? If I put the FB on first, will it shield my skin from absorbing the SMC? Do the areas where I need SMC really need the FB, too? Or should I apply each in little individual ovals based on what that particular patch of skin most needs?

It's a complicated routine. And while it may be working it's quite hard to tell. Generally, when I change my appearance, I count on those around me to notice, to offer me affirmation and kudos for all of my hard work. But, honestly, who do I know well enough that they will say to me, "Hey, you're looking firmer today! And, wow! You've really reduced those unsightly stretch marks! Have you been religiously applying SMC and FB in a circular motion? Keep up the good work!"

And even if it were readily apparent to those around me that I'd reduced my battle scars, would they even notice? I mean, if I were to, say, get an 1/16 of an inch scratch on my left eyelid, just under the eyebrow, people might say, "Wow. That's a terrible injury. How did you manage to do that?" But would they notice if I eliminated all of the scars and stretch marks from my entire body?

Just last night, I read that family members and coworkers cannot be counted on to provide an accurate gauge of things like weight loss success. If your coworkers have come to view you as fat, they will continue to view you as fat even after you've lost a significant amount of weight. They'll likely continue to view you as fat until you've lost over 70 pounds, or, like, 85% of your body weight and have kept it off for eighteen years. Then, someone might say, "Hey, did you get glasses?" and you'll have to tell them that you've lost 85% of your body weight and have kept it off for eighteen years. Even then, they'll probably still refer to you as "Big Barb" or "Tammy, Tammy Two by Four" or "Cousin Joe who pulled an Oprah" because that's what kind of human beings we are--we like to keep people in their boxes. It makes us more comfortable with ourselves.

So I doubt that my loved ones will notice once my skin takes on that youthful firmness and elasticity I'm striving to achieve with my twice-daily circular-motion applications of SMC and FB, though I keep hoping that they will.

Until then, I'll be surfing the web for new collagen face mask kits, under-eye anti-wrinkle patches, hydrating marine tonic (in case I come into contact with any dehydrated marines) and Anti-Cellulite Mousse.

Just reading all of the silly names makes me laugh. And laughing makes me feel young again.

I guess these age-defying products work after all.