::: in the bleak midwinter :::

Usually, this time of the year, trying to get any schoolwork done at all is such a drag. I'm so affected by the weather, the brown dreariness of it, that I feel nothing like learning, accomplishing, teaching, and I feel only like burrowing, hibernating, lounging and lazing.

I'm not saying that I don't feel that way now, during this bleak midwinter, but I am saying that I'm learning to force myself into a discipline of sorts. Where I would normally awake and say, "Well, I slept in too long today. The whole day's shot. So much for that," I'm instead saying, "Okay. So I awoke late. We'll forgo the normal schedule and get some breakfast, and I'll read to the girls while they're eating."

Usually, forcing myself to start something creates a type of perpetual motion, and I find myself gaining some steam from each thing I make myself do. If I'm completely unmotivated, folding and putting away a load of laundry gets me somewhat motivated, and it continues on from there.

I'm not sure why things seem so overwhelming right now. Life is going very well, I'd say, for the most part. Sure, there are things that could be better, relationships that could use repairing, and money is always a strain, but, for the most part, life is good. But even one small thing, one extra stop for an errand, one more meeting or phone call or page of a schoolbook, and the thought makes me want to crumble. And yet, if I eliminate all of those things, if I find myself without commitments and activities, I sink into a boredom that serves pretty well as depression, and then I simply don't know what to do with myself.

A friend has recently offered to loan me a therapy light, and I'm looking forward to seeing how that works. I plan to use it during lesson times when I'm reading to the girls aloud. That should make for plenty of exposure to the light, given that the bulk of our day involves reading aloud.

I also really feel that I should get out and take walks, but just the thought of it almost sends me to tears. Isn't that pitiful?

So, for now, I'll keep forcing myself to do what needs doing and looking for light whereever I can find it. I'm so thankful for those around me who are patient and loving and kind and pitch in whereever they're able. Without you, I'd be completely lost.

::: i am (one of) the runner-up champion(s), my friend :::

Woohoo! I'm so happy to announce that my daughters' bedroom makeover project was runner-up in the My Sister's Farmhouse 30-Day Mini-Makeover contest! The first prize went to Sarah, whose fabulous faux-bricks look like the real thing. There were two other runners-up as well; Lisa, who revamped some lovely lamps, and Carol, who mastered a makeover of her living room.

Thanks, Rechelle, for a fun motivator to getting a major project done--and under budget, too!

Facebookin'

It was early in the facebook craze when a college-aged friend told me about the social networking site. At that point, facebook was mostly for college students. I don't think it even accepted high school students then. I was skeptical of it. Okay, let me rephrase that. I thought it sounded pretty stupid. 

I mean, "facebook?" What the heck? What does that even mean? 

I tucked the concept away, sticking it into my brain's version of the mini mesh metal trash can in my Mac's dock. Much like with that icon, there are times when I fail to right-click on my brain's trash can and choose "empty." 

So years later, when my high-school aged children mentioned facebook again, I opened the contents of my brain's trash folder and scanned the files. Ah, yes. There it is. That's the site I thought was so stupid years ago. Facebook? What does that even mean? 

"It's like a yearbook, Mom. Get it? Like a yearbook online, where you can see everyone you know, and all of their information, and their pictures. I think you'd like it. You should join."

And to appease my children, I let them set me up with a facebook page. 

Oh. My. Goodness. 

Suddenly the social networking world opened me up and swallowed me whole. Sure, I had a blog. Sure, I had a myspace. But this--THIS--was something completely different. With facebook, I could keep in touch with all of my young friends, like my speech and debate students, and my homeschool group students, and even my college-aged friend who first introduced me to facebook. I could keep in touch with my extended family, posting pictures and having brief discussions. I could even have conversations with my children, play games like Scrabble and TextTwirl. I could keep in touch with friends who had moved away or I'd moved away from. I could connect with high school friends that I hadn't seen in twenty years. And instead of asking them to update me on what was going on in their lives, I could just click, click, click, and I'd know what was going on without them even telling me. I could create groups about things I loved, invite people to events I was hosting, or post video projects I'd created. It was like being in one big room where everyone I knew and loved was present (kind of like my idea of heaven!), even though they weren't connected to one another. And because it's a private place, a place where only my friends can view my information and interact with me, I wasn't all that worried about my personal security.

It wasn't long before I was hooked, addicted, strung out on facebook. And it wasn't long after that before I received an e-mail from a friend exposing me to the evils of facebook. A frightening presentation told me about the risks I'm taking by divulging my personal information on a social networking site. In McCarthyistic style, the presentation suggested that the information that I share on facebook could land me on a blacklist sometime in the future, possibly when religious and political freedoms are limited in the United States, possibly in the very near future, and that all information, including my interests, organizations and affiliations, could be used to indict me. 

For a little while, it frightened me. Actually, sometimes it still does. I know what kinds of persecutions took place when between 11 and 17 million men, women and children were systematically exterminated during the Holocaust, starting in 1935 with the Nuremberg Laws and continuing on through the liberation of Theresienstadt in 1945. That kind of systematic destruction of a people is not behind us. It happens today in many forms, whether through the murder of white farmers in South Africa, vandalism and destruction in Turkey, or torture for Christian conversion in Laos. 

So if facebook were a government fact-finding service, designed to collect as much condemning information about me as possible, what would they find? And if I didn't have a facebook, would there still be enough evidence in my life to convict me of being a Christian? A peacemaker? A thinker? An NPR listener? A music lover? A reader? A volunteer? An addict of The Office?

Of course there would be. 

Which brings me to this thought: I'm not worried about my facebook information because I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to hide. I have to think pretty hard when I consider those words. Are they true? Yes. Yes, they are. I have nothing to hide. At least I don't want to hide anything. I want to be real about who I am. I want to be open with the fact that I am an imperfect person. I'm a self-centered, quirky, eclectic, stubborn woman with vain ideas. I'm materialistic and frequently overspend on things I don't need. I lose my temper easily and often get impatient with my loved ones. I'm prone to paranoia, self-doubt and intense moments of self-criticism. I'm a blamer, and I expect way, way, way too much of people. I'm opinionated, idealistic and argumentative. 

But I also want to be open to what God would have me be. Through him, through Jesus, and through the Holy Spirit, my weaknesses can be his strengths. The Holy Spirit can make me what I need to be. I can be kind and loving. I can be a visionary and a peacemaker. I can encourage, lift up, serve and intercede. Through God, I can be made new. 

God is doing all kinds of new things!

Technology is moving forward, and these crazy beings called "people" are moving along with it. While we can lament the disappearance of the hand-written letter and look with disdain upon the rash spontaneity of e-mail and text messaging, the truth is that these actions are merely symptoms of a truth. Human beings want to interact with someone. They're looking for acceptance, love and relationship. They're looking for someone to always be there to hear them, to listen, to respond. 

I believe that God can use me, in all of my imperfection and maybe even in spite of it, to work in the lives of others, being his hands and feet, his eyes, ears and mouth. 

And I believe that he can use these ridiculous inventions like social networking sites to do it. 

Up next, my thoughts on Twitter. 

I've been nominated...

Well, I'm honored. I've been nominated for the Homeschool Blog Awards under the category of The Best Nitty-Gritty Homeschool Blog. The Best Nitty-Gritty Homeschool Blog is "for the homeschooler who is brutally honest and open about her mistakes and failures. These are the moms that make you feel better and let you know that it is OK that we aren’t perfect."

Honestly? That's been my goal with this blog. To tell it like it is in our family, to give hope to others who think they can't do it or aren't doing it right. I think we do a great diservice to each other in the homeschool community when we put on a facade, when we only list the five million books we're reading aloud or the twelve gazillion activities our children are involved in. Yes indeedy, we need to laugh with those who laugh, but we also need to weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn.

That's why I wrote Broken Branches, about the importance of fathers treating their daughters with tenderness; Battling the Demons is about my struggle against looking for the worst in my children; Changeback Messages is about the difficulty of letting go and trusting my children to be safe in their travels; and, for a lighthearted look at the nitty gritty, Boy of Summer is a piece about something my son is simply not good at--and a bunch of things he is.

So, yes, I'm honored that someone has nominated me for the best nitty gritty homeschool blog. Even if I don't win, at least I know I'm headed in the right direction.