"On the way from Chicago to Edmonton, I boarded the plane with my slightly oversized roller-board suitcase, and asked the man at the ramp whether I should gate-check it, or if it would fit in the overhead compartment. He told me to give it a try in the overhead bin, and if it didn’t fit then I could bring it back to him.One of the things that we constantly attempt to remind ourselves in this home is the importance of thinking a thing through before speaking it. As a parent, it's sometimes--okay, it's often-- tempting to pull a Nancy and just say "no." The thing is, no isn't always the easiest answer. And it's definitely not always the right answer.
So, I wheeled it inside, and began to lift it above my head, when the passenger behind me barked “Nope”. I looked at him and said “I’m
sorry?” and he said, “It won’t fit.” I said, “Oh, I think it might.” “No, it won’t.” “Well, just let me try at least” and he said, “I’ve never seen a bag like that fit up there.” “You mean like that one?” I said, pointing at a similar bag already in the compartment just behind him. As he looked back to see what I was talking about, I easily slid my suitcase into the overhead bin above my seat, and as it clicked shut, I said, “yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Exasperated, he sputtered, “I was just trying to help!” And I said, “No you weren’t! How is saying “no” trying to help? I asked you to let me try and you said “No!”” He told me that I shouldn’t be so snotty and sat down."
Steve, from the Barenaked Ladies blog
How many times have I said no just because I'm tired, grumpy, or, I'll admit, too lazy to say yes? Saying yes might take commitment on my part. It might actually mean that I have to get up off my butt and do something. Or it might mean I have to think a bit.
Saying "no" might end up being more work. Kids know when you're being arbitrary, there's no doubt about it, and they do their best to poke holes in your reasoning. Thinking it through first is a definite plus. As a parent, you're much less likely to waffle on your original decision if you know why you're answering the way you are.
I'm not saying that "yes" is always the right answer, either. There are times when we must recognize that we're too overwhelmed to add even one more thing to our plates, that our schedules are about to explode and that the calendar looks like a page from Leonardo Da Vinci's journal, frantically written, filled to the margins and practically impossible to read. We say, "yes, you can go to your friend's house," before we think about the cost or the inconvenience of the obligation because we feel guilty for not reading a bedtime story last night, or because we just heard a glowing review of Johnny's mother and we feel we're slipping on the parent poll. We say "yes" to the homeschool organization president because...well, because she intimidates the heck out of us and we're afraid we'll be blacklisted from future field trips, even though saying "yes" puts a very big burden on us--and on our families.
So the word in our house is, "Don't be arbitrary."
Arbitrary. Resulting from whim or caprice instead of from a rule or reason. Random , haphazard , absolute , overbearing.
How many things do we miss because we're being arbitrary? How many things do we do that don't involve our hearts? We arbitrarily say, "no" when the kids ask if they can make cookies for tea. We arbitrarily say, "yes," when the pastor's wife calls and asks us to provide the cookies for Wednesday night's ladies' fellowship. We arbitrarily say "no" when our kids ask if they can roll out the cookie dough or use the cookie cutters or have a piece of dough of their own. Our answers come randomly, haphazardly, absolutely, completely capricious and totally on a whim.
Today, I hope to live with purpose, not to be arbitrary.
Read an extra chapter.
Tell the president of the blah-blah group no.
Turn off the computer.
Make a homemade pizza.
Order the rubber chicken.
Let the dust settle.
Be open to possibilities.
Say yes when I mean yes.
Say no when I mean no.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my son has a rube goldberg invention he wants to make involving paper towel tubes, a Van DeGraff generator and a radio.
I have to think about this one.
"And don't say anything you don't mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, "I'll pray for you,' and never doing it, or saying, "God be with you,' and not meaning it. You don't make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say "yes' and "no.' When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong."
