Mama: Are you having a good Christmas?Bard: Not anymore. No...uh...don't actually type eveything I'm saying. You're being a pain in the butt. I'm not having a good Christmas anymore, because it's not Christmas. But when it was Christmas, I was having a good Christmas. I'd be having a better Christmas if you didn't use that picture.
Mama: What's your favorite gift this year?
Bard: Um...the Reliant K CD was really cool, except for the no apostrophes and the possessive whatever in the lyrics. The DiscWorld three books in one was pretty sweet. And the James Thurber books.
M: What was the worst part about Christmas?
B: I don't know. The devil, I guess. Ha ha. Um...the worst part about Christmas...was...that I wasn't here for most of it. I mean, I was here for actually Christmas, but I wasn't here for December much. "Here" being "home," not at your room. Sitting at your feet. Or beside your feet.
M: What's the best gift you gave?
B: The Barry Manilow CD that you didn't even know that I was going to give you that was so cool.
M: Was there anything you really, really, really wanted but you didn't get?
B: A DVD camcorder. And a step truck. AND combat boots. But other than that, no.
M: Was there anything you didn't ask for that you're really glad you got?
B: I think...pretty much all the stuff I got was stuff I asked for. Except the booklight. I was glad I got that. Maybe one of the books I didn't ask for, but I liked all the books.
M: Was there anything you got that you don't like?
B: No.
M: Do you remember any of the gifts you got last year?
B: Yeah...I got...a couple of CDs and I got...I got sick. Ha ha. Uh...that wasn't a very good gift. I got some clothes. I'm getting all the different Christmases mixed up. I got books, I'm pretty sure. Playmobil toys. We got a bunch of Playmobil toys. And...some Beanie Babies or something? Some kind of doll.
M: The treehouse.
B: Oh, yeah, the treehouse. That wasn't just for me, though. That was for everybody. And how am I supposed to remember it because it's down in the fruit cellar because the screws are stripped.
M: What can you do this year that you couldn't do last Christmas?
B: Uh...nothing, pretty much. Algebra, but that's not really great. Um. I can say I've done stuff, but I can't actually do anything. I can sing some songs in Chinese. I'm not really that interesting, so...
M: You can play piano.
B: Yeah, but...I can only play, like, three songs. I can play guitar, but I can only play, like, eighteen chords.
M: I think that's great.
B: Yeah.
M: What do you hope to be able to do next Christmas that you can't do this year?
B: Heh heh. (laughs hysterically at my use of the words "Heh heh"). Um. Squaredance. With a partner. That isn't my brother. Or some old guy. No offense to any old people out there. "Middle aged." It's more politically correct. Ummm..what was the question again? I don't remember. Heh heh. I'm not going "heh heh," I'm laughing. The first time I was going "heh heh" because I was thinking of something mildly inappropriate. It wasn't very inappropriate. It was just making me laugh.
M: What was it?
B: Heh heh. Why do you have to ask? It wasn't very inappropriate. I just didn't want to say, because you'd write it down, and now you're going to write it down anyway. And everyone who reads your blog is going to think I'm some weird teenager with a sock on my hand.
M: What was it?
B: It's a sock, that's what it is.
M: No, the inappropriate thought.
B: (slightly irrate) Why are you asking??? I didn't say it with three question marks. I don't use multiple punctuation in my speech.
M: What was it?
B: You know. Like periods and commas.
M: You know what I mean.
B: Okay. Fine. I'm not telling you.
M: Then I'm not going to finish this interview.
B: You have to. Somebody asked you to.
M: Well, they'll have to get used to disappointment.
B: I don't know why I ever said anything.
M: What was it?
B: I'm not going to tell you. You're going to laugh at me.
M: What was it?
B: No one's even going to want to read this.
M: (glares)
B: It was KISS, okay? It was KISS! That's what it was. That's what it was. Really. Why are you looking at me like that?
M: What does Christmas mean to you?
B: Um. Uh. It's kind of hard to get back to the topic of Christmas. Um. What Linus said. What? That's what Christmas means to me. Not those exact words. What he said, not what he said. What it means. Heh heh. Christmas...I didn't do that "heh heh" thing. I only did it once, and now you're going overboard. Christmas...(pauses to giggle)...Christmas is never having to say you're sorry. Isn't that from a movie?
M: Yes.
B: Except for not "Christmas;" it would be "love."
M: That's correct.
B: Okay. Um. That's the news from Lake Wobegone. And Christmas is all about Jesus' birth and feeling sorry for our sins and giving and not receiving. 'Cept some people have to receive or we can't give anything. So some people can be selfish and want to get a bunch of stuff but not good people. Good people just have to give stuff, because they have to be good to get to Heaven. That's it.
