I don't know if I'll ever get the hang of this running thing. I was so proud of myself on Monday for finishing my run and thought that today would be easy since I'd already done it. Guess what?It kicked my tuckus.
From the second I stepped onto the trail (I just typed "trial" and corrected it. I shoulda left it), I was wondering when I would be done. Ugh! It was work every. step. of. the. way! And looking for the bluebirds? Forget it. It didn't cut it at all. I tried counting in my head. I tried staring at my feet. I tried letting my mind drift. Nothing doing. It was hard, hard, hard, all the way. I felt like I was going to vomit a couple of times, and I literally wanted to quit, but I didn't. Kim and I finished the goal. 90 seconds jogging (and I do mean j.o.g.g.i.n.g. Every muscle and flabby place on my body flopped like a dying fish), 90 seconds walking, then two minutes jogging and two minutes walking.
It was tough, I tell ya. Tough. Kim handled it like a trooper (she *is* superior to me, I must say) and barely even panted. But me? I was close to howling.
But I did it. And we're that much closer to Week Three (90 seconds jogging, 90 seconds walking, 3 min jogging, 3 min walking). We both confessed today that we're really not in that big of a hurry, and that, while running a 5K sounds yummy, it wouldn't break our hearts if we didn't make the goal. We *could* do it, if we really, really, really, really, really, really wanted to. But do we really, really, really, really, really want to? (I just typed all those "reallies," but the way. No cheating with the cut-n-paste for me.)
In a way, I do. I mean, that's what inspired me to start running in the first place, seeing a group of sweaty human beings crossing a finish line on Turkey Day. There were even a couple of people in costumes. There was, no joke, a running banana and two running penguins. I'm not sure I'm that crazy.
But I would like to run in the Spring 5K here. If, that is, I could talk my body into it. Ack.
I have to admit, though, that under the flab that's on my legs? Muscles. Oh, yeah. I can feel 'em. I mean, literally, with my hand, I can feel 'em. How weird is that? I wake up each morning and pull on my belly fat to see if it's any smaller (remember the "pinch and inch" commercials? I've got enough for all of ya), then I feel my hips and legs to remind myself that, yes, I have been actually running. This isn't a dream. Then I look in the mirror to see if my love handles are gone yet. Not quite, but they're getting there. Before you know it, there'll be less of me to love.
That reminds me--do you know that I actually have real, valid reasons for staying overweight? I do. I have actually talked myself into believing that being overweight is a good thing! For example, I've comforted myself with the knowledge that I'm not a stumbling block for any woman's husband. I've also patted myself on the back for being non-threatening to my friends. I've preened in front of the mirror reminding myself that I'm the kind of woman Rembrandt or Rubens would have painted, full-figured and healthy. I've pounded it into my head that extra pounds are healthier. I've thought that I'm just meant to be this size. I've thought all of this. And more.But I've never been happy being overweight. I've longed to be truly healthy since I first gained this weight eighteen years ago.
I want to keep running, in spite of the fact that I want to quit running. Does that make any sense at all? It doesn't have to. It's just true.
It's really hard to type when I have to keep stopping to feel if my thighs have shrunk any more, so I'll just leave you with this last thought. I'm reading the book French Women Don't Get Fat and the author says that it's important to institute a lifestyle that you know you'll maintain. I'm trying to find that balance now. It's very difficult. Tonight, I just wanted a great big steak and a large, fully-loaded baked potato and a roll slathered with butter. That seems to be a trend. I've wanted beef recently like nobody's business.
It's just another sign.
My body is changing. I can just feel it.
